I’m at a strange juncture in my life, where I realise that a large portion of my life, has been lived outside of my own body. I have spent my life living to everybody else’s expectations and needs. Sometimes, in breaking this all down, I don’t even know where their needs end and my needs begin. The scariest thing of all, I came to realize, I don’t know if I even know my needs, I don’t know if I know what I want, living for others has become to easy for me.
And as I have slowly started to withdraw from the old version of myself, I realise that asking for the things that I need, that I want, does not fit into the plan that other people have for me. It doesn’t make them feel very comfortable. I cannot sit in their discomfort for them any longer, I am busy sitting in my own. On my own.
Sometimes I think I was built for another world, the level of empathy and insanely deep intuition I have with regards to other people can sometimes manifest as a deep ache. No one believes me when I tell them – my gut screams. I always know deeply, intuitively. I just haven’t always listened. And I have mostly had to learn hard lessons from quietening my gut. Today, I am not lording this as something that I am enjoying possessing, because today, it sits within me as a deep ache. While other people seem to be able to float up in the clouds, be silly, light and not feel too deeply about the way in which other people behave around them.
I feel it intensely.
I pick up the energy in a space, in a person, and sometimes it punches me in the gut. I have started to get so much better at listening to it. In fact, I don’t think that is true, it has started to become impossible to ignore. But now, my head and my heart feel safer alone. On my own. Because I haven’t found the words. I have only ever told people what they need to hear, what they want to hear. My experience – they need me to show up without my gut feel. They need me to mirror only what they want to hear back to them.
There is no ease being in my company at the moment. I am reeking of discomfort, as authenticity and truth are wanting to break from my pores. I want the people around me to show up for me. I want a tribe of warriors who will call me out on my shit, who will laugh loudly and joyfully with me and who will let me be wholly, unapologetically me. Who will let me show up in this weird transition I find myself in. But who understand and adore the depth and intensity I bring into their world. Who love me for the challenge and the discomfort, the visceral and never-ending love that billows out of me. I love deeply, but I do, ask you to love me back (wholly, unapologetically, loudly).
Relationship to me is a responsibility, it is a contract. It is knowing I will show up for you honestly, you will show up for me honestly. It is seeing me for who I am and loving me for that. And letting me see who you are and loving you for that. It’s allowing error and grace, compassion and understanding. It’s allowing us to wiggle and grow, balance and fall. My whole life I have been told to not have expectations of the people I have in my life. But I do. I have the same and more for myself. I expect myself to be the best version of a friend I can be to the few people that are walking relationship with me – and I know now, I know it cannot be many. Because these are deep, they are a responsibility of time and reflection.
I think I am happier to replace “don’t have expectations” on friendship with don’t have “judgement” and show gentleness when your people have a human moment and can own that moment. We all move through life at a different place, your true relationships will give you space to grow, but will be there with you along the way. I need to know that I can disagree with my friends, that there is a safe space for us to have differing opinions and that I am allowed to voice when my needs in a relationship have not been met. I would like that so much.
This is my dream for relationship. It may differ to yours.