I am writing this to reclaim my voice.

For a long time, it was silenced. Slowly, subtly, in ways that are hard to explain unless you have lived them. I was made to feel like the “crazy ex,” like my emotions were the problem, like my needs were too much. And yet, when I look back now, I can see a pattern that did not belong to me.

A pattern of hurt.

A pattern of emotional destruction.

A pattern of women leaving smaller than when they arrived.

Women with open hearts. Women who love deeply, generously, fully. Women willing to give their whole selves. But the cost for these women is too high, because the cost is their essence, their expansion.

There are very tight boxes to fit into. And to stay in them, we have to shrink.

There is no room to grow where fear sets the rules.

The issue for me was that I could see your beautiful heart, believed in your growth. But you hide from your shadows. And my experience with you was one where my boundaries were consistently tested. Where I struggled to stand up for myself, not because I lacked strength, but because my own wounds were still unhealed.

We were mirrors for each other.

A mirror I was willing to face.

And one you chose to turn away from.

The Anxious Mind After Abandonment

Here is what happens inside the mind of an anxious person when they are left without closure.

Everything replays.

Every word.

Every moment.

Every version of who you thought you were becoming.

Your mind loops endlessly, trying to make sense of how months, planned futures and spoken promises could dissolve so quickly. You ask yourself who you were, how you got there, how you became so small.

Because when I first met you, I was not small.

I was expansive.

I was light.

I believed in love.

I believed in partnership.

I believed my voice mattered.

And you loved me, the best way you knew how. But it takes a steady hand to hold a full cup. And when crumbs were offered, somehow I convinced myself that was all I deserved. Not because it was true, but because I had not yet learned my worth.

I’m still learning.

You did not come into my life to break me. You came to show me what I still needed to heal.

When Love Becomes Self-Abandonment

I gave up parts of my life not because you forced me, but because I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be loved. I wanted so badly to be a part of a “we” and the “we” you were offering seemed so compelling. And I was willing to twist myself into whatever shape felt acceptable to you just to belong.

But that is not love.

That is control.

That is fear masquerading as intimacy. From both of us.

Love does not require you to be smaller.

Love does not silence your voice.

Love does not leave every time you speak your truth.

Every time I used my voice, I was shut down. Belittled. Emotionally abandoned. Not having a voice in where I wanted to live, how I wanted to manage the timing of my body clock, becoming a mother, a wife, when I wanted to embark on a massive adventure, and how many clothes I could take with me on a 5-year adventure.

And when the relationship ended, I carried the emotional weight of everything while you walked away untouched. Your life barely changed.

You cut.

You ran.

You moved on.

Quickly. Cleanly. As if I had never mattered.

What I Know Now

There is no space in my life for love that requires self-erasure.

I matter.

My body matters.

My desires matter.

My timing matters.

My voice matters.

I am not too much. I was simply with someone who did not have the capacity to hold me.

And this is my prayer for every anxious heart reading this.

Learn to regulate yourself.

Learn to hold space for yourself.

Learn to honour yourself first.

Because when you do, love will no longer feel like survival. It will feel like safety.

Heal the wound that tells you you are too much.

Heal the wound that tells you your voice needs to comply.

Do not make yourself smaller for anyone.

You were never meant to fit into tight boxes.

You deserve more.

And once you know that, you will never abandon yourself again.

I will never abandon myself again.