The flicker of hope as I sit watching “online”,

Waiting for the “typing” that never comes,

Waiting for the anger that never subsides,

Hoping that the journey into the pain, 

The openness to healing might begin.

Nothing but silence.  

Nothing but anger,

Nothing but blame.

The bitter taste of my own words swirling in my mouth,

Wanting a space to release,

Feeling trapped by my own lack of letting go.

Nothing will unravel this tight fist,

Holding on for dear life,

To a love that may never return.

A love? 

The unraveling of what that means,

As endless reels of raised voices,

Tear stained pillows,

Fists hitting walls,

Silence pushing out.

Begging.  Moving towards, pushing back.

His body wrapped around mine, 

His toes stroking the inside of my calf,

Those beautiful hands finding their way to the nooks of mine.

Those lips, the smile that lights up my day.

The coffee placed gently next to our backgammon.

The feel of his tired head resting on my chest,

My fingers running through his hair. 

Opposites attract they say, 

As language and culture test our dynamic,

Putting strains on an already strained understanding. 

Words pass through carelessly, staining hearts.

Mountains vs. Ocean

Flying vs. running

Roots vs. untethering

Where to explore, where to compromise, 

Where to hold on to what is mine.

The gentle look of knowing,

The eyes that glimmer at the sight of me.

The chin lift as he smiles at me across a table,

The little bum smack as he passes me in the kitchen,

The I love you in every spare breath,

The admiration for the hands that build,

The love for the hands that feed,

The gaze of a love so deep,

The pain of a heart unseen.

An unbecoming of everything known.

A deep breath into the heart that is breaking.

The silence of a midnight cry,

The loneliness of a hand unheld.

A plate set singularly on a table meant for two.

The undreaming of a future, 

The unraveling of a shared life, the bills, 

The accounts, the belongings, the packing,

The unpacking, the forgetting.

The sigh of exhaustion.  Not again.

The patience of a heart that wishes to return,

The respect for the space required to lose.

To lose and to lose and to lose again. 

Two hearts deeply entangled

Two sets of wounds combatting love,

Resistance and persistence,

Love, let go, love, surrender,

To the pain of a heart unseen.